Where does the time go...

It has been days since I've found the time to write on here. Where does the time go? Luckily I still find time to write in my personal journal. The place where all the "juicy" information gets stored. The dark thoughts, the jealous thoughts, hopelessness, and also the place where I can recognize how far I have come.

When I look back to myself a year ago I now realize how far I have come. I realize how much I have accomplished and dammit I'm proud of myself! In what will be two years since my husband passed away I'm finally having more good days than bad days. I've managed to climb out of hell and I'm still a great mom, caring friend and still trying to move forward in positive ways.

I know my Tom E. would be so proud of me. I've continued to love and nurture our children, I've almost completed our dream home, I've ran a 1/2 marathon, I'm meeting new friends, I'm taking trips... Yes I think I deserve to brag a bit because I know that all the things I've accomplished have not been easy. It has been a determination to live, to find hope, to find dreams again. I hope that others can choose the path that I did.

Tonight I'm at peace knowing I'm okay!

"How are you?"

I hate the dreaded question "How are you?"  The tilt of a person's head while they ask the question.  What a dumb question!!!  Do they really want to know?

Last night I had to introduce myself to someone that I thought knew who I was.  After all when my husband first died I was offered hugs, food and baby sitting services from this person.  Last night I found myself explaining who I was, felt extremely awkward and then when the pieces finally clicked together I got the "How are you."   That was not the worst, the next sentence was "I think of you all the time."  Really, you do?

Ahhhhhhhh

Perfect example of how everyone else's life goes on, unchanged with know concept of how it may be for a person dealing with a loss.

lost comforts...

My children are away at the lake with my in-laws.  I'm enjoying some free time but starting to feel a bit anxious having them away so long.  I know they will be safe and happy but I still have a loss of control which causes me to lose a bit of sleep.  The curse of motherhood...

I went out with some girlfriends this evening.  It was mellow but fun.  Definitely had some laughs, some conversations about life.  I enjoy my time with my friends -- always have.  My husband always encouraged me to spend time with my friends because he knew how much I enjoyed it.  Yet I'm coming home to an empty house.  I can't rehash the night with him.  I can't come home and have him waiting up for me.  I miss him.  I miss my best friend.  

I hate being at the bar having the guys looking, waiting for  an opportunity to jump in a woman's pants.  This is not what I signed up for, this is not what I want.  Not that I'm looking but where else do you find a person?  I don't want to look for a person.  I want my husband!

How does a 30+ year old accept the life as a single person?  A life that I did not intend to have.  I try to be positive but there still is a need to have my best friend-- to hold me, laugh with me, inspire me, and love me.  I still want those things in my life.  It's all the simple things I miss.  I miss having someone wait up for me.  I miss someone to check in with.  I miss someone who will have breakfast with me in the morning.  I miss, I miss but that does not change the reality.  

I still want those simple pleasures in life but now it is about accepting the reality and being open to receiving those gifts from someone else.  I'm not ready for someone else, yet I long for those simple insignificant things in life.  Insignificant but so important...I wish others could appreciate the simple things.  

today...

Hit snooze for 45 min.

Get ready for work

Search for shorts for son

Realize kids have no clean clothes

Put a load of laundry in

Eat breakfast

Bring kids to sitter's

Drive to work

WORK

Lunch

Eat in car

Go to dry cleaners

Get gas

Stop at Target to buy office supplies and whatever else I can grab for my own household.

Back to work 35 min later

WORK

Leave work

Stop at bank

Pick children up from sitter's

Home

Load of laundry

Send the kids to the bathroom

Unpack and repack car

Fast food for dinner

Eat in car

Arrive at T-ball -- EARLY

Realize we removed the tennis shoes from the car while we unpacked

Drive home

Get shoes

Drive to T-ball -- LATE

Son falls asleep as we turn into parking lot

Plead with him to play

Son plays

Mom watches, tries to not think about who is missing

Daughter plays video game

T-ball over

I hand out the snack 

Drive home

Try to avoid the inside of my house

Call neighbors to entertain me so I don't have to go into an empty house.

Now in bed...

tonight...

For the first time in 20+ months I did not shed a tear while my son expressed how much he was missing his daddy.  Is something wrong with me...am I just getting used to this?  Now instead of sobbing I'm analyzing myself wondering if I've moved on.   Or am I just so tired of feeling the pain that I can't shed a tear tonight.  I feel awkward, almost numb to the conversation.  Do I have a barrier up of protection or have I made progress in accepting what has happened.  Progress?  I do not want to accept this reality.  

This is the craziness of grief.  If you cry you wonder if you will ever stop and if you don't cry you wonder if your forgetting.  Every action, every thought becomes a jumbled mess.  It's like constantly playing tug of war with your thoughts.  Good than bad, happy than sad.  This is madness.  

I think I just want a break from the feelings.  I want to just be, I don't want to think about it anymore.  Of course I know that I can't be in a place like that... there is always a reminder, always a thought, no escape for the rest of my life.  

5 min please...

I'm trying to stay in an okay mood but I'm starting to break.  I'm starting to feel a bit frenzied since I've been up since 5:30ish and have just gotten a chance to take my first break of the day at 9:30p.m.  Really?  This sucks!  

It's not as if I was just sitting around doing nothing while my husband was alive.  We were actually always quite busy but the difference was there was another person to help, another person to relax with, there was a feeling of content.  Now I'm just f*ing exhausted, I see no break in sight, I'm overwhelmed, and lonely.  To top it off the damn cat is pissed off and peed on the carpet...arghhh!  

I've had these moments lately of people telling me things that make me want to choke them.  For example:  My co-worker actually told me today that he was all stressed out because his wife was out of town and he had to make sure he had the house and cat under control.  Seriously... He was telling me this.  Why the F do I care about you having to take care of yourself and your damn cat.  Of course I did not say this but was cringing inside because I'm jealous that he only has to worry about that.  I wish I only had to worry about my husband being out of town for a couple of days...

The next co-worker told me that his wife was not looking forward to his business trip that would require him to be gone for four days.  Apparently staying home with two children by yourself is not the easiest task.  REALLY PEOPLE -- I don't care!!!!  Is that mean of me??  It just irks me so bad because I get it but now I don't care about their simple issues.  The same co-worker then proceeded to tell me that because his wife would be working he would have to take his two children to swimming lessons alone.  Again I want to say -- who cares. 

I really have been trying to stay positive and realize that a lot of people will never understand my situation but for some reason I want them to feel my pain.  Why do I feel like that?  Would I really want anyone to feel this pain?  That is so horrible but I think I just want people to recognize to the full extent of how bad this sucks so that they "get it."  Of course I don't really want anything bad to happen to them I just want them to have my knowledge.  

I'm going to try to end on a better note.  I'm thankful for my neighbor feeding my kids and I dinner this evening.  I'm so thankful her husband offered to take the kids to the park.  I'm thankful that I have gained knowledge and that I will try to use it to the best of my ability even though sometimes it sucks.  I'm going to give myself a break for needing to vent tonight and hope for a positive mood tomorrow.

this morning...

We are taking care of our 10 month old niece this weekend which has been fun and also a reminder to how much time babies take.  My two kids have been so helpful it's been a delight to see.  I sometimes wonder how it would have been if we would have had a third child.  We had just started trying one month before my husband's accident.  It was one more choice I feel was taken away from me.  I still remember being in the bathroom in the ICU burn unit relieved when I realized I was not currently pregnant and yet as much as that was a relief at the time it also made me mad and angry for having that part of our lives taken away.  

We are having a relaxing morning... I made waffles, the girls are playing, my son is playing with his "shooter" Nerf gun and I'm finding some time to write my thoughts.  Earlier my son pulled out a photo album and was clutching it with tears in his eyes.  This has become our normal, tears of sadness for daddy.  It breaks my heart to see them in pain and trying to understand this crazy situation.  I become so angry at our situation when I see the hurt in my children's eyes.  This just sucks for them!  

Yet with every negative thought I try really hard to find a positive.  They are happy, healthy, beautiful people who have five amazing Grandparents that love to spend time with them.  They have a great auntie and uncle and friends and neighbors that treat them very well.  I try to remember that they had an amazing father hold them, tickle them, read them stories, and  even though it was way to short of a time frame I'm glad to say that they had that experience.  I try to find comfort in the good that we still have the good we still hope for.  

 

Sometimes it is easier to live in the negative place and I do at times but I'm thankful that I can see light and look for the best.  I'm hopeful to continue doing what I am to help my children through this experience.  Hold them, let them ask questions, encourage them to dream, let them have fun, and let them know they can be mad too!  I am learning to accept that I can't "do it" all as one person but I can do a great job raising them as myself.  It is not what I wanted for them but we can only move forward, forward in a positive direction.