It's not as if I was just sitting around doing nothing while my husband was alive. We were actually always quite busy but the difference was there was another person to help, another person to relax with, there was a feeling of content. Now I'm just f*ing exhausted, I see no break in sight, I'm overwhelmed, and lonely. To top it off the damn cat is pissed off and peed on the carpet...arghhh!
I've had these moments lately of people telling me things that make me want to choke them. For example: My co-worker actually told me today that he was all stressed out because his wife was out of town and he had to make sure he had the house and cat under control. Seriously... He was telling me this. Why the F do I care about you having to take care of yourself and your damn cat. Of course I did not say this but was cringing inside because I'm jealous that he only has to worry about that. I wish I only had to worry about my husband being out of town for a couple of days...
The next co-worker told me that his wife was not looking forward to his business trip that would require him to be gone for four days. Apparently staying home with two children by yourself is not the easiest task. REALLY PEOPLE -- I don't care!!!! Is that mean of me?? It just irks me so bad because I get it but now I don't care about their simple issues. The same co-worker then proceeded to tell me that because his wife would be working he would have to take his two children to swimming lessons alone. Again I want to say -- who cares.
I really have been trying to stay positive and realize that a lot of people will never understand my situation but for some reason I want them to feel my pain. Why do I feel like that? Would I really want anyone to feel this pain? That is so horrible but I think I just want people to recognize to the full extent of how bad this sucks so that they "get it." Of course I don't really want anything bad to happen to them I just want them to have my knowledge.
I'm going to try to end on a better note. I'm thankful for my neighbor feeding my kids and I dinner this evening. I'm so thankful her husband offered to take the kids to the park. I'm thankful that I have gained knowledge and that I will try to use it to the best of my ability even though sometimes it sucks. I'm going to give myself a break for needing to vent tonight and hope for a positive mood tomorrow.