We are taking care of our 10 month old niece this weekend which has been fun and also a reminder to how much time babies take. My two kids have been so helpful it's been a delight to see. I sometimes wonder how it would have been if we would have had a third child. We had just started trying one month before my husband's accident. It was one more choice I feel was taken away from me. I still remember being in the bathroom in the ICU burn unit relieved when I realized I was not currently pregnant and yet as much as that was a relief at the time it also made me mad and angry for having that part of our lives taken away.
We are having a relaxing morning... I made waffles, the girls are playing, my son is playing with his "shooter" Nerf gun and I'm finding some time to write my thoughts. Earlier my son pulled out a photo album and was clutching it with tears in his eyes. This has become our normal, tears of sadness for daddy. It breaks my heart to see them in pain and trying to understand this crazy situation. I become so angry at our situation when I see the hurt in my children's eyes. This just sucks for them!
Yet with every negative thought I try really hard to find a positive. They are happy, healthy, beautiful people who have five amazing Grandparents that love to spend time with them. They have a great auntie and uncle and friends and neighbors that treat them very well. I try to remember that they had an amazing father hold them, tickle them, read them stories, and even though it was way to short of a time frame I'm glad to say that they had that experience. I try to find comfort in the good that we still have the good we still hope for.
Sometimes it is easier to live in the negative place and I do at times but I'm thankful that I can see light and look for the best. I'm hopeful to continue doing what I am to help my children through this experience. Hold them, let them ask questions, encourage them to dream, let them have fun, and let them know they can be mad too! I am learning to accept that I can't "do it" all as one person but I can do a great job raising them as myself. It is not what I wanted for them but we can only move forward, forward in a positive direction.