Monday, August 31, 2009

Where does the time go...

It has been days since I've found the time to write on here. Where does the time go? Luckily I still find time to write in my personal journal. The place where all the "juicy" information gets stored. The dark thoughts, the jealous thoughts, hopelessness, and also the place where I can recognize how far I have come.
When I look back to myself a year ago I now realize how far I have come. I realize how much I have accomplished and dammit I'm proud of myself! In what will be two years since my husband passed away I'm finally having more good days than bad days. I've managed to climb out of hell and I'm still a great mom, caring friend and still trying to move forward in positive ways.
I know my Tom E. would be so proud of me. I've continued to love and nurture our children, I've almost completed our dream home, I've ran a 1/2 marathon, I'm meeting new friends, I'm taking trips... Yes I think I deserve to brag a bit because I know that all the things I've accomplished have not been easy. It has been a determination to live, to find hope, to find dreams again. I hope that others can choose the path that I did.
Tonight I'm at peace knowing I'm okay!

Sunday, August 2, 2009

"How are you?"

I hate the dreaded question "How are you?"  The tilt of a person's head while they ask the question.  What a dumb question!!!  Do they really want to know?

Last night I had to introduce myself to someone that I thought knew who I was.  After all when my husband first died I was offered hugs, food and baby sitting services from this person.  Last night I found myself explaining who I was, felt extremely awkward and then when the pieces finally clicked together I got the "How are you."   That was not the worst, the next sentence was "I think of you all the time."  Really, you do?


Perfect example of how everyone else's life goes on, unchanged with know concept of how it may be for a person dealing with a loss.

lost comforts...

My children are away at the lake with my in-laws.  I'm enjoying some free time but starting to feel a bit anxious having them away so long.  I know they will be safe and happy but I still have a loss of control which causes me to lose a bit of sleep.  The curse of motherhood...

I went out with some girlfriends this evening.  It was mellow but fun.  Definitely had some laughs, some conversations about life.  I enjoy my time with my friends -- always have.  My husband always encouraged me to spend time with my friends because he knew how much I enjoyed it.  Yet I'm coming home to an empty house.  I can't rehash the night with him.  I can't come home and have him waiting up for me.  I miss him.  I miss my best friend.  

I hate being at the bar having the guys looking, waiting for  an opportunity to jump in a woman's pants.  This is not what I signed up for, this is not what I want.  Not that I'm looking but where else do you find a person?  I don't want to look for a person.  I want my husband!

How does a 30+ year old accept the life as a single person?  A life that I did not intend to have.  I try to be positive but there still is a need to have my best friend-- to hold me, laugh with me, inspire me, and love me.  I still want those things in my life.  It's all the simple things I miss.  I miss having someone wait up for me.  I miss someone to check in with.  I miss someone who will have breakfast with me in the morning.  I miss, I miss but that does not change the reality.  

I still want those simple pleasures in life but now it is about accepting the reality and being open to receiving those gifts from someone else.  I'm not ready for someone else, yet I long for those simple insignificant things in life.  Insignificant but so important...I wish others could appreciate the simple things.