tonight...

For the first time in 20+ months I did not shed a tear while my son expressed how much he was missing his daddy.  Is something wrong with me...am I just getting used to this?  Now instead of sobbing I'm analyzing myself wondering if I've moved on.   Or am I just so tired of feeling the pain that I can't shed a tear tonight.  I feel awkward, almost numb to the conversation.  Do I have a barrier up of protection or have I made progress in accepting what has happened.  Progress?  I do not want to accept this reality.  

This is the craziness of grief.  If you cry you wonder if you will ever stop and if you don't cry you wonder if your forgetting.  Every action, every thought becomes a jumbled mess.  It's like constantly playing tug of war with your thoughts.  Good than bad, happy than sad.  This is madness.  

I think I just want a break from the feelings.  I want to just be, I don't want to think about it anymore.  Of course I know that I can't be in a place like that... there is always a reminder, always a thought, no escape for the rest of my life.